Like I'm being gutted

I gave birth to my precious baby boy. He acknowledges everyone except me. He refuses to let me know what I did wrong. I ask and ask and ask and ask and ask and ask.....

A few thoughts

I can't really say what I do for my current job. I still work as a nurse.  I work in home care. In this environment I get to observe family dynamics. On this assignment it's, for the most part, stressful. What I see is incredibly dysfunctional.

At times I find my ptsd being triggered. Yet, it's far less stressful than facility nursing.  

What do *I* want?

You would think that this would be an easy question to answer. Yet, it's been so long since I've thought about what my needs are without considering them to be selfish. A vacation. Gifts given without feeling like I'm causing guilt. The truth exposed, discussed and resolved without any anger directed at me for exposing it. I'm open to ideas.

Me, myself and I?

They don't exist I only exist in response to the fires that call me... the times that are idle are confusing to me "it's been awhile since I've been...." I'm confused that I'm not being accused of something... usually it's because I've fucked something up.... I figure that it's probably why he keeps his ex's as friends... or possible back ups.... I see it in his eyes... I'm lacking....

http://youtu.be/oo67AG5dcPI

Yet another entry that gets no fucking feedback...

A friend of mine has progressed into being bipolar that she has no memory of the fact of individualism.  Singularity among individuals.  She totally lacks a sense that people that she wants to remain her friends have lives and proclivities that DONOT involve her.  Especially since most of her friends have spend the last three years telling her advice that she refuses to follow.

While I watch...

...I think.  I think about the birds and other wild life around here . That despite having no visible means of support they carry on.  They flourish and prosper.  They have lives and families.  Then I think about myself.  About how I have let myself get used and abused in the past.  Some recent news about my job unsettles me.  I think to myself "Why can't I have it as simple as the animals seem to around here?"  I just don't seem to ever fit in anywhere.  It seems to me that people take an instant disliking to me.  Unless I have something of material value to offer them.  Here is a question I frequently pose to myself...Is it fair that other people get to treat me with disrespect in the name of 'just kidding' and yet when I return the same treatment I am being mean?  I don't know what I'm saying here. It's turning into another pity party blog entry.    If you read this go ahead and leave a comment. Maybe I'll benefit from it, maybe not.

Doggone it!

Shit Shit Shit. I'm worthless as far as being a human. I'm all the worst qualities in a girlfriend. Then I wonder why he doesn't want to fuck. Tonight wine. Tommorow......

Only Jesus protects nurses...

One of about a thousand flaws I have is that I know that I need to guard myself against being used up until I am completely empty. Do I ever bother to guard myself? fuck no. It's just to easy to answer the phone, or say yes.... I need protective custody, lmao!!

Beautiful Plus Size Wedding Dresses | Wedding Dresses, Wedding Styles, Wedding Ceremony

I totally know I can rock this soooooo much better!!!


Beautiful Plus Size Wedding Dresses | Wedding Dresses, Wedding Styles, Wedding Ceremony

Is There Anybody Out There

Well, since I can't figure out how to put a link button on here, I'm going to have to make a blog entry, lol

Enjoy and go visit Maggie's blog! She's an amazing person and a really great friend.

So, I'm doing ok With the whole being friends with Eric thing. He hasn't shut me out entirely and that's good!
He and I got to have another long talk on Friday night after they got here. A lot more clarity and a few hugs. And you know what? It's still really nice. I still have a friend and that's great.
They will be here with us for Thanksgiving, he's going to bring a turkey to deep fry! Mmmmmm!!! I will probably also have a ham and need to get on the stick and plan some other menu items....

On the marriage front, well, we're doing ok. Not great, but we have talked about things. Ernie is saying he is going to make more of an effort to take care of himself and lose weight. I hope so, I might be frustrated with him but I don't want him dying before he really should. I figure if we both live to our eighties, then we can have a duel and go out in a poof of old gunpowder and mini-balls. lol We both have had significant losses in the last month or so and to have us both grieving like this is, well, less than optimal. He's still pretty mad at me for talking to my daughter about our problems. I admit to fucking up royally there, because she went and bought me a "toy" from the adult bookstore. I kinda had to tell him why, but not the whole story why.

I remain the imperfect person I was born....alive to conquer yet another day...sigh.

It's all over. everything is over.

I want to thank everyone for all the prayers and support for my family and I. My wonderful Mother passed away at 8:30 this morning. She was a loving and giving woman and I miss her.

I want to thank everyone for all the prayers and support for my family and I. My wonderful Mother passed away at 8:30 this morning. She was a loving and giving woman and I miss her.

I want a total fucking do over...

Such sweetness tempered with unbridled

lust.

A need, a drive something that cannot be quenched

a need once met is immediately again in full flame

Times will be as they will be, fullfilling and intense

but they will be...

So I'm pretty much just hanging out this weekend. Went to my Mom's house yesterday to help clear out junk. Took two truck loads to my brother's house for the town clean up week. We sat in his kitchen and drank beer while we watched people drive up and take crap off of the curb.

TodayI didn't do much of anything, just laundry, cooking and taking care of basic needs crap for folks.

Not promising to be a particulary exciting week, that could change though. Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone? Beuhler?

I have to censor myself so much that this sentence will be the entire entry of my blog. Fuck Fuck Fuck, lol

Your kisses prompt my desires
right or wrong it is
lips, tongue and neck
desires restrained, embers ignited
from where now to where then
blossoms and sun and wind

self improvement

self reflection

advancing and retracting

I can never be sure which

reaching out and finding embodiments

reassuring inspiring adoring

there are also those that require being left but am lacking a skill

I finally got a picture of a humming bird! Those little buggers are incredibly elusive and my patience has paid off!

Did you even fucking read what was written?
Are you blind to what was said?
Completely unable to be touched by the world around you
Banging at the backdoor to be let in but ignoring the open front door.

A banquet set before you but complaints of hunger persist
a foot hold given but instead I watch you trip and fall

Someone that cries out for comfort and instead is left for dead

can you hear me?

Poking my head in to read some entries that are highlighted in my 'feed'.

Filling out applications for agency work. I hope it works out for a bit of extra income. That would be mighty nice.

Grandpa is still hanging in there. He hasn't had any further episodes of scary stuff. He did poke himself in the eye with his O2 canula and has a dandy little hematoma on the white of his right eye, OD in nurse lingo.

Went to visit my Mom a couple weeks ago, she's not doing so great. Lots of issues. Will have them the rest of her life. Very disheartening, but none of us get out of this alive, right?

I have a picture of her about a year ago and of me and her this last visit... very drastic change even for an elderly woman.

We've also been having lots of activity in the lambing department. Right now I'm trying to upload a video of the little premie lambs we had on Saturday. Shorty and Hercules. Ernie has been religiously bottle feeding Hercules as he hadn't been able to really nurse from the ewe because he was pretty weak to start. He maybe nursing now, when I tried to give him a bottle yesterday he only took a couple of sucks and turned his head away. little knuckle heads...lol

Ok, apparently there's a problem uploading the lamb video. I have a link for youtube, so I'll try to embed it here...

Random update...
Well, over the weekend Grandpa decided that he was not going to keep his oxygen on. I tried to put it on him and he became increasingly defiant about it. I gave up on that and decided to walk him to the toilet, he didn't want to do that and wanted instead to turn around and go back to bed. I was right at the toilet with him and just needed to get his pants off and sit him down. he decided instead to drop himself on the floor and hit his head on the floor. Chase and I were able to get him standing again. He was pretty whipped after his tantrum so he sat on the toilet without a problem. Then an hour or so after all that and having dinner George looked in his room as he was walking by and saw that GrandPa didn't look right. Ernie went in after George and said "Hey Susan, he's having another fit" I went in and sure enough he was not breathing and his face was grey and lips were blue. I started doing a sternal rub with my knuckles to rouse him and hold his head up straight and we put his oxygen back on. He did come around.

But honestly, when I saw him, I thought he was dead. He's been ok since then, but Ernie has decided not to hospitalize him anymore. Since we have the oxygen here and I know what to do for comfort care he said there's really no point. If he runs a fever we will get antibiotics and treat him that way. He's now a DNR/DNI.

I spoke to a friend of mine who's husband is an undertaker and told her that we would be setting up arrangements in the near future so it's done with. I also told our Pastor that we would want to talk about Grandpa's funeral with him as well.


In other news...

I got the first of my two mantoux tests today, I'll get another one in about 10 days and then complete my CPR course and I can go back to work for the agency.

I have so many feelings about this. Happy, scared and yes, annoyed that I have to work, lol. I'm such a lazy fuck. Why can't I be a princess?

{{{Keigan}}}

Prayers for both of my Ernies. I went to pick his Dad up at the nursing home that we had him at for respite. I expected that we would take him to the truck and go home. I got there and he wasn't dressed, there was no breakfast tray in his room and he was nearly comatose. Trying to rouse him was nearly impossible. He opened his eyes momentarily to take his meds. He was even more confused than he was when I brought him there only 6 days prior. I was jostling him and singing to him and, nope, he wouldn't open his eyes. The nurse and aides were acting like there wasn't anything wrong. I was thinking 'OMG, how am I going to get him in the truck' I just kept saying to them, This is not how he is... The nurse said "Oh, there's a cold going around here, I'll bet it got him!" Now, I know what he's like when he gets a cold. His voice sounds thick and husky and nothing more. He doesn't get non-responsive. They finally asked me did I need help getting him to the truck. I was like, "Uh, yeah!"

So we are trying to wheel him to the truck and as we are going through the lobby the medical director happened to be in the front office as we were dragging him by. Grandpa wouldn't even try to pick his feet up as he was being pushed. His feet were getting dragged under the wheel chair and they kept stopping the chair and fixing his legs and going again. The Dr. saw this and said "Whoa, whoa, what's the matter here?" I said that he's not waking up and that this is not at all how he is. So because the Dr. saw him and told them to get a set of vital signs they finally did. I had taken his pulse and it was tachy at 122 and his respirations were about 24. He felt warmish, about 99. If they weren't going to send him to the hospital, once I got him in my truck that was where I was going to head directly.

So at this point, he's been in the hospital for a couple days. His tests came back negative for infection, they did a CT scan of his head and it showed extensive small vessel disease and loss of brain volume consistent with Alzheimer's disease. His renal function was impaired, and once he was rehydrated, that was much better.

When Ernie and I went to visit him today he was back to the way he was mentally prior to his stay at the nursing home. So thank God for that!

I am incredibly disappointed in the staff that was going to just send him home with me as if he was the same as when I brought him there for respite. I heard one of the women from the office sounding very shocked as she said, "That man walked in this facility last week!" He couldn't even hold his head up or lift his feet for them to push the wheel chair at that point.

I guess it was too much trouble for them to make sure he drank like I specfically asked them. I told them he needed to have fluids pushed. I wonder if I told them that he needed to be fed if he would have been starved? Stupid fucking jackasses.

I'm bound to roll over you~

I'm guarenteed to blow your mind...

got a bad case of blogging what comes to mind...

I'm still so sad about things that have happened in my past.

things that don't necessarily have me to blame for them.

Other people seem to wander freely for the crimes that I have been charged with.


But yet other people have died for things that I have not been charged with.

Children still live with these things. Amazingly. Surprisingly.

Siblings survive. Here, there and everywhere.


Those unknowingly, left behind. Yet carrying the burden of the message.

Is is so, all that you are told? As we cry tears for those that go before us?

even as we live in beauty, love and unexpected?

A belated Merry Christmas, Happy Hannakah, Happy Kwanzaa and winter solstice to ya' all.

Still hanging in there, not feeling much like writing about anything. Tough to write when there isn't a lot going on. I mean I could copy and paste my daily routine here but I'd want to hang myself seeing just how blah that is. lol

This past year I've come to terms with some of what God wants for me, and I'm pretty sure it means staying put where I am at home for the time being. This past year I've had my baby turn 18. I know there are people reading this that have been through it , it's just wierd. And she wasn't home for it. She was in the Army doing all sorts of cool academic stuff in a classroom. She has not been diminished at all in her amazingness to me. I don't think our kids do lose any of that which makes us amaze at them. On so many levels which brings me next to my boys.... :smilie where you cover your eyes and shake your head:

Most of the time I am very proud of them and thier ability to learn how to take part in tasks around our small farm. That is very cool. As I watch them learn to drive a tractor or a farm truck it takes me back to when I was there age. We never got to do cool stuff like that!! We were off sneaking ciggies with our allowance. (you used to be able to just buy them) But now my son Chase will be 16 next November. Holy Cow! Time to really get him used to behind the wheel driving! I hope they are both better drivers than I am, lol.

Chase has continued to surpass any sort of expectations that any of us have for him. He will be going to learn masonry and construction next year. He is very good with physical work. He needs to lose the weight (don't we all) but I think that can be dealt with at his age still. His grades are really good for a boy with a form of autism that is mainstreamed for the most part. Yeah!

George needs to remember that all assignments are important, not just the ones he views to have significance. He isn't failing anything but with his insight and wit he could be doing much better. He is due to become a member of the church this year when he finishes his Communion class. There are other things involved too, but it's different than mine was. This is UCC and I grew up Presbyterian. He has been required to participate in functions that the church has like dinners, breakfasts, the local fair, etc... That's something I need to get on board with is getting community service situations set up for him. He's also looking forward to the start of baseball season again. He has started his own batting practice and playing catch with Dad.

GrandPa still holds his own. Good days and bad days. His bad days are nothing like those of others I've seen when I was working in the nursing home but he is weaker for sure as compared to a year ago. Wash, rinse, repeat...

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Happy shopping!

Susan


Happy shopping!

Susan

OK, let me try and see what happens when I just put the buttons here for now.

I'm going to try and figure out how to put a button on this blog. They are both really great blogs.

DAK is about deliberate acts of kindness. How much better can you get than that? I think that everyone should do one deliberate act of kindness for someone every day. Other than your familiy members that you are alread kind to. (Or should be kind to anyways...)

Sacred and Profane is my friend Heidi's blog about life in general. She has some great thought provoking stuff on there. And a great Friday Freebie!

My dog Otis has a confession to make.

He's a fetch-a-holic. Absolutely insatiable!! He started out with a fake rabbit once a day. He's now up to several raw hide knot toys, a talking pumba toy and a loofah toy. He's very shameless about the whole thing too! Not only does he force his Mommy to take part in his obsession, but there's Father, Chase and George too. He even attempts to draw my FIL into his sick little ritual. Even with the alzheimer's, at times my FIL just can't resist that puppy's charms! (Hey, that's a good name for a kids cereal, Puppy Charms...) Our older dog Pinky just thinks he's being especially undignified and refuses at all to participate. I think she's been paling around with the cats too much.

I have to confess, I LIKE IT TOO!!!

He's funny about it, very chatty. It almost sounds like he's saying Mamamama me oh!

In other news...

I sang my first solo in choir yesterday. Golly was I scared! I thought I sounded way off key and my timing sucked. But people told me, whether they were being nice or not , that I did good and have a very lovely voice. George said I should just stick to background singing. "You're just not a solo singer Mom." lol I had trouble, I think, because I don't read music and do it all by ear. Some of the notes were 'triplets' and I'd not had but 3 or 4 run throughs. The director is not big on rehearsing songs over and over. Not sure why. Maybe he wants us to stay fresh? A few of us loudly declare that we need more rehearsal time before performing some songs. Whatever. I got my first solo out of the way, lol, not sure if there will be another but I'm game if he asks if I want to do it.

Since I have nothing constructive to say regarding the debate, only that McCain wiped the floor with Obama, I'll just post this quiz result I just took and you can let me know if you think it's accurate based on what you know of me.

Your result for The Best Thing About You Test...

Honesty

Honesty is your greatest virtue.

Honesty is the human quality of communicating and acting truthfully. This includes listening, and any action in the human repertoire — as well as speaking. And you? You cannot tell a lie. Both loved ones and strangers should trust you, because you won't (1) lie, (2) lie via omission, or (3) sit there and let lies be told. (Can you even let a sleeping dog lie?) All 7 virtues are a part of you, but your honesty runs deepest.

Your biggest risk is hurting the feelings of your most sensitive friends. However, most appreciate you for your candor.

Honest famous person: George Washington, if you believe the propaganda.

Your raw relative scores follow. 0% is low, and 100% is perfect, nearly impossible. Note that I pitted the virtues against each other, so in some way these are relative scores. It's impossible to score high on all of them, and a low score on one is just relatively low compared to the other virtues.

YOUR VIRTUES

60% Compassion

44% Intelligence

50% Humility

67% Honesty

25% Discipline

43% Courage

42% Passion

Take The Best Thing About You Test at HelloQuizzy

Blah. I'm getting a cold. My sinuses are aching and my nose is running. Other than that nothing is really new here.

Went to our church's Oktoberfest yesterday. We all had fun. They had great food and an awesome German band, The Adlers. I took some pictures of the festivities. I need to edit and upload. I guess I shouldn't grouse too much, it's not like I have to develop film and print them like I used to do long ago. Chase won a little carp in a game and a giant teddy bear for playing darts. He was pretty happy about that. George even had a good time. He's been such a little curmudgeon lately I was glad to see him having fun.

I also baked a cake for thier apple dessert table and made a basket for the basket raffle. It was filled with car care stuff. The cake was really good, if I do say so myself!

That's about it as far as happenings here, hoping to get a letter from Emma. I dreamt I did. Miss her like crazy.

Have a great day, be well and God bless!

I might try to rediscover blogger. I dunno, we'll see.

We had a nice weekend here. I got caught up on stuff around the house, went and ran some farm errands. That was kinda fun because I got to do some physical work and it felt good to be more useful than normal.

Ernie is setting up a little garden area up by the sign we have at the top of the drive way with our name and house number on it. We have mums to put up there and I also have some bulbs to plant. It'll look nice now instead of kind of scrubby.

The boys helped out at the church breakfast being servers and washing dishes. I was told that they were actually helpful. lol. They must have been because if these folks can't say anything nice, they don't say anything at all. I had a proud moment then.

So, everyone have a nice day. Be good to each other and remember it won't matter in a hundred years what happens today.

HUGS!

Ernie and I decided that while he is working full time. I would go back to staying at home with FIL until we place him in the nursing home probably sometime after Christmas. He has benefits at this job and the one month of benefits my last job paid for will cover the gap until his kick in. Which is a incredible load off my mind! I'll probably go to work for an agency after his Dad is placed. Part-time, TYVM!!

We have gotten about 4 letters total from Emma, she sounds like she is loving what she is doing from what she has been writing. She says that all the stuff is 'awesome' or 'hardcore' but she just hates that all the girls fight and talk too much, lol. We got a 5 minute phone call from her on Sunday because they got rewarded for doing some sort of detail well. She asked me to send her Hall's cough drops. When I told her I missed her I could hear her cry a bit. I miss her soooooo much! *sigh*

Geez, what an ordeal it is to log into blogger after not having done so for about 6 months! I wish these blog sites would stop trying to become myspace. what a load of shit that is.

It's ok to be different, really.

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

I'm kind of in a dark mood, no need to go into details. Everyone has thier things that send them spinning towards the dark side of thier spirit.

I'm supposed to be talking to someone about an distance learning program for my RN. I don't even want to talk to them but they're on thier way here and I suppose I need to at least ask what's entailed and what it will cost me. I'm not committing to anything at this point. I just want to juggle some figures around and compare and contrast. If I don't like the idea, I'll toss the fellow out on his fanny. Or I'll force him to sit and chat with my FIL while I go upstairs and go to bed. Not sure what kind of squeeze I'll be getting put on me to sign up for this deal or how difficult it will be to get the twit to leave. I've had some past experiences with sales people. It's gotten ugly, lol.

It's both about the earning power and the chance to have different clinical experiences. Or at least to be able to say I have a choice in staying where I am working instead of feeling that I have no other choice but to stay in my current position because of the initials at the end of my name. KWIM?

Hugs and a spiritual night light....

I found this cool picture puzzle while exploring the google extras. I hope I can attach it here without my browser crashing like it did the last time I tried, lol.

My very favorite tea right now is Celestial Seasonings Cinnamon Apple Spice. It is great hot and is awesome iced, I don't even use a sweetener with it. It's that good!! Just had to share, lol

I am so fed up with the amount of control that insurance companies have over the availablity of prescriptions. I have been taking lexapro for over 2 years now....suddenly I have to have a prior authorization from my Dr. in order to have my script filled through my newest (and not in my good graces) prescription plan. I have to go through the mail in order to get 3 months worth of the lexapro for one co-pay. If I go through CVS pharmacy I can only get 2 weeks supply at a time but still have to pay my copay for each refill. Easier and cheaper to do it by mail. If you live in a world where the galactically stupid don't rule. I want to have a face to face with the fecking moron that came up with the rule that I have to try another drug first before I will be allowed to get the lexapro. I'd slap the shit out of them....grrrrrr!!!!!!

A new day so I'm making a new entry.
Happy Birthday to my friend Patrick Coston~ belatedly.

Last time I tried to make an entry it didn't work. Hope that blogger has fixed it's blips.

Today seems as good a day as any to update on my blogger.
Went grocery shopping before, now I'm just done reading my email and checking out some clothes on Holyclothing.com. I might get myself something from there in the next month or so. :-)

So today I have a bit of time to update on my blogger. I went grocery shopping today and found some Kashi frozen dinners to have at work. Yay. I balanced that out with a nutritious snickers bar that was an impulse purchase at the check out. Right now I am listenting to my son interact with his GrandFather. His Grand Father is irritating as all get out at times because of his Alzheimer's, stares at you or says odd things or tidies up notes that your loved ones leave you. *sigh* Till next time....

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

Today it's my hope that the folks that I go to church with have checked in our UCC homepage and noticed this daily verse. Today it's my hope that they stop fighting to be 'right' or 'in charge' Because you know what? None of you are right and none of you as humans (or 'man') are in charge, especially not of the Church. Today it's my hope that the 'real' takes over and makes us all realize that we can't market our church to be something that will be palatable to all. It isn't going to happen and in doing so you are taking your eyes off of that which is of greatest importance to a Christian. Worshiping and glorifying the Lord. Today it's my hope that all of us realize that we are called to be 'Christlike' in the things we do and say, our attitude towards the serving of others that need us. Not that we are waiting for someone to come and do it for us. We need to be still and know that God is waiting and watching for us to hold our selves out and open for him to enter us and to allow us to be existing for Him. We can't expect someone to be hired and come to our congregation and tell us how we can fix our own problems. We also can't expect money to be the driving force for our existence as a church. That's where I've seen it go bad and in a big hurry. Don't let your church become nothing more than a painted whore. It's wrong and it's not going to expand the congregation. If nothing else, it will drive people away. If things keep along this pathway, I anticipate that God will knock us off our feet and on our butts. And keep doing so until we get back on the track that we belong on.

Show love for each other, be gentle with each other. {{{{hugs}}}}

"Hookahs also known as nargila or shisha are used for smoking flavored tobacco as well as opium and hashish and marijuana. Hookahs are legal for smoking tobacco."

I didn't realize that they still produced Hookahs. As the quote above says they can be used for smoking flavored tobaccos. If you are not one for using Opium, Hashish or marijuana. I imagine that by using a hookah with it's water filtering capabilities that you could also use herbal remedies such as those for respiratory illnesses. This link takes you to a site that shows all sorts of accessories and tobaccos. Hookahs Plus they are really beautiful pieces of art just to have on a shelf, definitely a conversation starter!!

Today I was thinking about conversations that were had at work last night. I realized that a lot of what I expect from the world was formed in my childhood. I know what a ground breaking theory!

I was thinking about a doll that my Mother had bought for me from a co-worker that was selling her kids old toys. It was a very pretty doll. It had a very dressy outfit on. Complete with a fake fur wrap. I was so proud of that doll. But with my standing as a 'baby' member of a family of 7 kids my belongings were fair game to my siblings. They liked to take my dolls and 'experiment' on them. Meaning they used to re-create the Bride of Frankenstein scenario they may have recently seen on Creature Feature (on channel 5 of course!). Anyways....

The doll that was formerly looking like Jackie Kennedy, now looked like, well, hair cut off, face drawn on with pen to make fake stitches, etc... Many weeks or months had gone by. And my Mother being ever on top of things notices what the current condition of my doll is. And REACTS.

"WHO DID THIS?!?" My response at first is stark fear and silence. Then I'm thinking "It happened a long time ago" (to a 6 year old anyways...) "Why is it a problem now?" To us kids, if it didn't get noticed and punished within a fairly short period of time, then some sort of statute of limitations had run out and we should have been scott free. I react that way now. If something happens, or someone has a bone to pick with me, pick it now or forever hold your peace. I consider the matter over and done with. If something hasn't been noticed and a bit of time has passed then it's 'Sorry Charlie...'

Another footnote to this entry is that it always pissed me off the way my belongings were treated as fair game and no thought what-so-ever was given to my feelings about it. I should start telling people, "Hey...Don't tread on me!" I'll kick your ass, lol.

On the Job front....

I reapplied as described in a previous entry. It's actually going ok. The benefits are considerably more costly, but they have given us a 10% increase in our hourly rate and I get the 3rd shift differential as well. What was a real pain in the ass was the fact that I couldn't just supply my SSN to them, I had to provide 2 additional forms of ID. Well Geezus Beezus... I seem to be the same chick that was accepted to work here 3 years ago! I was tempted to give a DNA sample and my fingerprints for them to send to Washington to confirm that yes indeedee doodle that I am who I am. It's all that Richard Cullen's fault! I don't know who irritates me more, him or the Tylenol guy.

Smoochies!

Kiss my ass, screw you, all bets are off!!

After a night of taking care to make sure that my work was done, so I wasn't leaving anything for another shift to pick up it still isn't good enough.  I tape my report and pass on all the information from the 3-11 shift as it has been relayed to me.  If I didn't understand something they told me I took the time to look it up in the patient's chart or to actually go and see the patient themself. 

Why is it that I have to have someone quiz me about the type of bed a man now has?  God Golly Miss Molly, instead of sitting there on your fat ass in the report room, get up and GO LOOK!!  To me, it really didn't matter.  I kept him from falling out of it, made sure that he was medicated as ordered, kept safe and got dressing changes also.  I said I didn't know the type of bed.  So then she says to herself in a snotty tone as she writes this down on her paper.  "we don't know what kind of bed he has..."  I really dislike the woman.  If she has to extend herself a bit more than need be she gets in a fluster.  I find it difficult to believe that she was once an ER nurse.

I had the entire unit to take care of.  Meds, Treatments, charting and any unexpected incidents that may come my way.  And she's having a shit fit because I don't know what type of bed he's in.  Eat shit and bark at the moon lady.  I've got bigger fish to fry...

Have a nice day y'all!

Taking pictures of stuff to sell on eBay.  Finished knitting a couple things. 

The sheep were eating my asparagus in my garden.  Had to chase the lumpkins away, lol.

It's cold and grey here.  I keep telling myself it's only a few months until spring.

I have tonight off, will catch up on my sleep. 

Had to go to court over the accident I had in June.  The State Trooper asked me to testify on his behalf.  The girl I hit lost and got 3 points on her license.  I got my deductable back from my insurance company.  About time!

I sat with them waiting for the case to be called.  They didn't know who I was.  I listened to them call me an idiot and a bad driver for 45 minutes.  The look on thier faces when they realized who I was.....priceless, lol!

Whatever!

My daughter will be turning 15 next month, my beautiful autistic son will be 12.  *sigh* where does the time go?

Hugs!

my principles and I
principled and alone
alone with principles and metaphors
fighting for what?
left to my clean
watching others splat and laugh
my approach is met with silence, watchfulness, reproach
have I not done as I was taught?
spoke when spoken to?
cleansed as I went?
educated where I percieved ignorance?
No, it looks to be that I have pushed faces
into bowls of mush.
Forced ideas are lone ideas
like me.

I am 75% Asshole/Bitch.

I am one of those people that love to hear the sound of their voice. That and my lousy attitude make for a mixture as toxic next-day-mexican-dinner-ass-drip.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

The sun is shining but I feel no warmth
Plans are being made, but I want to rebell

The room is cleaned, but the dust never settles
nothing laid to rest, it always lies in limbo

Things that happen are always questioned, little liar
that you are, haven't you come to expect it?

Wretched nasty people, thier honesty never really
existing. Plenty of wavings of ownership of
nothing.

Taking some time to revisit some old haunts.
Finding that like old childhood homes, they look smaller than remembered.
The feeling is the same though

twisted, shattered and broken
no amount of plaster or casting will do the job

I must learn to hobble about and become familiar with the new ways.
In time the pain will become familiar and in some ways welcome.
Feelings are always welcome. It means there is life.

In 1963 (the year you were born)

Lyndon B. Johnson becomes president of the US The atomic powered submarine, Thresher, sinks in the North Atlantic killing 129 A civil rights rally held by 200,000 blacks and whites, features Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech President John F. Kennedy is assassinated as he rides in a motorcade through downtown Dallas Betty Friedan publishes The Feminine Mystique, launching a middle-class feminist movement Michael Jordan, Quentin Tarantino, Conan O'Brien, Johnny Depp, and Brad Pitt are born Los Angeles Dodgers win the World Series Chicago Bears win the NFL championship Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup The Beatles receive their first #1 hit single, when "Please Please Me" tops the charts in the UK Astroboy (known as Mighty Atom in Japanese) Japan's first ever anime was launched NBC expands its evening network news program to 30 minutes The television remote control is authorized by the FCC

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

Your Love Number is

1 You tend to be a stubborn lover, holding your ground in every argument You take your time falling in love. You aren't the type to lose perspective. You are loyal (to a fault), and you require the same loyalty in your sweetheart. At your best, you are a wise and inspiring partner - who sticks around.

What Is Your Love Number?

Hmmm, maybe this means I'm a stubborn pain in the ass? lol

Figured I'd check in and see how blogger is working these days. I have another blog, but, think I will use this one for bitching about work. The little snots found my other blog and had a holy freaking fit because they read my opinion of them. My co-workers that is. Didn't mention any names, but I guess if the shoes fit, they are pretty likely to kick you in the ass. Ha!

I was about to start this off with a string of profanity, but decided against it.

I started here with a beer instead. New template, maybe a new blog? Yeah, uh-huh, right.

Ah, fucker-doodle, that seemed to be the right place for a well placed bit of profanity.


I wonder if I can still use html crappy tags on this beast. Would be nice. I must admit to getting spoiled with all the clickity-click at xanga. I should use my brain more often.

I have come to realize that the insurance companies are the ruin of American healthcare as we know it. Or at least the ones behind the 'nursing shortage' myth. There isn't a shortage folks. The fact is that nurses are not getting paid what we are worth. We take a lot of risks, abuse and don't get all that much in return most of the time. Yes, there are the really rich moments where you connect with a geriatric resident or pick up on a sign with someone and save thier life. But there are times when monetary rewards do make your day. Just like any career. Think about it. Then get on the phone or email to your congressperson and tell them that you want Managed Care to be abolished and healthcare put back in the hands of the folks that know it best. Quit being such a skin-flint cheapie!

It's been quite a while since I blogged on here. Since then I've had a few offers to include my blog in a registry for several different headings, childrens health and spirituality/dreams.

Has anyone else had this offer? I don't know why I'm posing a question as it's very likely that no one will even read this entry. Or be able to answer me on here as there is not a comment feature.

Yep, still hung up on the comment feature, lol.

I'm not feeling well today, I put in a 16 hour work day yesterday and I'm still feeling beat to shit now. I slept for 12 hours or more and just feel weak all over. Hope it's not the flu. It's my weekend off and I had wanted to do some fun stuff. Take my daughter to the movies to see Big Fish. If it's still in the theatres, I'll have to check. I'm sooo up on things.

Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.

Made by
Sara


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think that sometimes folks get upset because others won't be pushed into saying that they agree with something that they infact do not.

Disagreeing is an inherent part of being human. because of social conditioning we have, for the most part, become afraid of conflict. As children we were either punished for daring to disobey or disagree with our elders. I think that at times that reflex still rears it's ugly head and causes us to either run or tell someone to stop the confrontation instead of facing it head on and resolving the underlying issues we have.



But I'm probably the last person that anyone wants to hear from in regards to conflict because of my history on debate boards at MOL and PS. Debate and conflict are both a part of healthy human interaction.

About a boy.....


My son Chase has a form of autism as I have mentioned in earlier entries. He seems to go with the flow for the most part. Maybe that is a bad way of explaining it. He seems to accept himself better than anyone does now or ever will. He knows how he 'is', he doesn't want to change his behavior. Why can't the world change thiers?

This sounds odd or cruel or what ever but sometimes I wish that Chase were deformed in someway or had an obvious birthdefect instead of one that is hidden among his neurons. He looks like anyother kid. It's when you talk to him that you notice that he is, well, different. He has very strong reactions to things that upset anyone else mildly. He has no "mild" reactions or emotions. Everything for him is as I like to say "full tilt boogie". And that is just his emotions. This doesn't include the fact the all of his senses react in that same extreme way. Noises that are merely greeted with a raised eyebrow and a 'what was that?' by anyone else are overwhelming to him. Smells can make him physically ill or keep him from participating in something or even getting dressed if his clothing smells 'off' to him.
Television is entrancing to him, he spends his time in a hyperfocus kind of mode when it is on. You can imagine how he reacts when it is time to transition into another activity and it involves turning off the T.V. But we do this and he is slowly learning to adjust and adapt.
We are forced as parents to purposly 'screw up' his day so he has experience dealing with minor instances of adversity. Doing this at home is comparitively easy compared with having to 'teach Chase' in public. I wish I had laser vision and could melt people at these times, lol. Anyway that is this installment of 'About a boy'.

You Should Pose For Perfect 10!

This is the connoisseur's magazine, and you've got the hot natural breasts which Perfect 10 requires.


You'll stand out in the crowd of silicone and saline enhanced girls.


While Playboy girls may have more fame, you'll have the satisfaction of wowing guys with your natural assets.


The surgically enhanced Playboy girls will be jealous of your perfect tits.


You truly are a Perfect 10!



What Porn Magazine Would Kill to Have You On the Cover?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Just what in the hell goes on in some peoples minds? I could give a rats ass if someone 'back talks' me.
What freaking ever. I do my job and that's what is important. So, just shut the heck up. Ha!

Egads, I am a freak!!!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Autism milk link
This is a link to an article about the link between autism and the consumption of cows milk, and cows milk products. It is suggested in this article that there is a metabolic defect that is perhaps leaving these children with too much of a 'byproduct' of metabolism that is altering thier conciousness. I am going to be doing more research into this and shoving the information down the school systems throat so perhaps they could offer non-dairy things to drink such as soymilk or rice milk. My son who is autistic really enjoys those things. Anyways, I hope you read this article and learn something from it and if you happen to have any connections with the purchasing department of your school's food service department please consider beverage alternatives such as those that I mentioned. Thanks!

Poor Chases's Hamster died last night. It lived very happily in a cage downstairs until yesterday when it got really cool downstairs. It got to no more that 50 degrees and then went into hibernation. Emma brought it upstairs to me all in tears because it was limp, cold and non responsive. So I held it and did very gentle cpr on it and blew into it's snout, it began to move a bit on it's own but mostly spastic movements suggestive of brain damage to all but the medulla oblongata. Chase was sooooo upset, he was like, "Mommy I need you to lay down in your bed with me..." Of course I did, and kept the hamster warm on my tummy. It was still having shallow sporatic respirations.
Then about an hour and a half later it began Cheynne-stoking (death respirations) fortunately Chase thinks that it is still hibernating and Ernie is going to the petstore to get him 2 hamsters to replace Hamtaro. This really sucks because it's about 3 days before his birthday. Sucks sucks sucks....

I had an horrible dream last night, I dreamt that we were sitting on a lawn in Massachusetts and to the left of us I could see a tiger walking down a path behind some shrubs. Ernie and I freaked out and were telling the kids,'lie down, lie down flat', but Chase wouldn't listen and instead freaked out and started flapping and screaming so the tiger came and took a big swipe at him with his paws. The next thing I know is that I'm being told that I have to put Chase out of his misery with a big kitchen knife through his heart. I was screaming and crying no no no and got forced to do it, then Ernie woke me up a bit because I was crying and kicking in my sleep, but I went back to sleep and in the dream I was hugging Chase and looking at him and each time I hugged him and then looked at him his wounds were smaller, until he only had a little cut on his tummy that I could put a bandaid on and he was ok. We were all hugging him and smiling and happy because he was ok, then it turned out that he wasn't really hurt at all but it was my truck that got clawed by the tiger and we had run it over. I remember putting a tattoo bandaid on my truck.

What a fucking nightmare!!!!!

Weasle3's blog Sunday, August 12, 2001
You have to wonder what part that the powers beyond us play sometimes....
To me it seems that the devil takes the weak and whispers in thier ears , it's the ugly unexplainable things that make me believe that. When I think of it I say a little prayer that someone that is feeling overwhelmed will be protected by God's grace if just for that moment of time...and so I say that prayer now.

Lycos News | All Photos Lee Mendelson, owner of Harold's Jewelers in Boca Raton, Florida holds a 16 inch necklace on August 6, 2002. The necklace has 83 diamonds (29.35 carats) and is worth over $100,000.00.It was recovered through natural biological means after a botched robbery attempt. Mendelson chased down and caught Mark Richard Kennedy after Kennedy allegedly swallowed two diamonds. Police recovered the necklace from Kennedy's rectum. Mendelson has put the necklace up for auction on Ebay.com.

Sue's Bloggy Blog - Welcome to my Blog House If you wanna have it, chances are a little presentation by a visually embarrassed gym teacher isn't going to stop you.

And if your husband wants to have it and you don't I guess that if I were to give a presentation like the aforementioned it might get me out of it? lol!

I am 33% Tortured Artist

I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole were I am alone and against the world.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com

I am 65% Punk Rock

The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I may be able to maintain a train of thought long enough... What the fuck was I talking about?

Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com

Nothing like reading something that upsets you to the point of distraction and having no way of helping, contacting or anything. That just plain sucks. What is going on? Where are you? why are you doing this game of invite me in and then leave without saying good-bye? Shit this sucks.

Today is a hot day. Today is a dry day. Today is a sunny day.Today is a sunny day. Today my children are quarrelsome. Today I am feeling apathetic. Today we washed and trimmed our sheep. Today I did laundry. It has been an ok day.

Had to get rid of that dorky background. Don't know what I was thinking with that!

5 Songs I always crank up on the radio and sing along to:
Shine by collective soul
Everybody hurts by REM
All I wanna do by Sheryl Crow
Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the waves
99 red balloons by Nina

5 Things I CRRRRAAAVE when I have the munchies:
chips
popcorn
potato skins with bacon/cheese/jalapenos
beer to wash down said jalapenos :o)
apples and peanutbutter
Speidies(it's a New York State thing...)


5 Things I *really* wanna do:
resolve a bunch of unresolved stuff with friends
meet all of you
deliver babies
get my RN
Get my Masters Degree in MaternalChild nursing


5 Things I wear all the time:
jeans
sneakers
wristwatch with numerical face
white unders
soft shirts


5 Things about me that SUCK
I'm a pain in the ass
I hound people
I'm very unforgiving about being mistreated
I need to lose 120 lbs.
I don't treat my family like they are the most important things in the world to me.


5 Things about me that ROCK!:
I can cook
I'm a nurse
I know several ways to give one medication, lol!
I give the world's best back rubs
I really like to laugh and have fun.

Ok, so I should have a comment feature on here for the time being. Cool. Cross your fingers that this will be the last time I have to update the muther,lol! Hugs!


BTW.......If anyone here is interested in serving the cause of Autism/Asperger's take a look at this site. Thank you so much! http://wwwstopfristbill.org/

Damn Xanga, so here I am without a comment feature. But I'll post anyways. It can be nice and private since there isn't anyone reading my blogspot anyhow. Still alive and well here much to the disappointment of some. Summer is here and we have been having fun with the kids, going places and helping them to continue the learning process through out thier hiatus from school. Then when they return they will have to get back in the habit of learning in a herd. I always hated school because of the overwhelming feeling of isolation that I experienced. Being the poor kid from a poor family that noone wanted to interact with. The one that other kids were nice to during Lent to make points with thier demi-god pope person.

You are the good ol' thumb! You are the family one, the one who not necessarily everyone loves but the one who everyone can't live without. Always willing to lend a hand or comfort a friend when they need it.

Which finger are you?
Take the quiz to find out.

Got some good news regarding Chase from his special ed teacher,she said that he scored in the 90's on his math assessment, they think that perhaps next year he won't need to be in a separate math class, Yippee! Pretty great for a boy classified as autistic huh?

Page not found

What the hell?

Just wanted to make an aside here and give credit where credit is due for the swirly background. LaLa Graphics made it and I don't have a current link to use so I'll let you all know with an entry. Have a great day!!

Well, I changed my template. I've also taken out the part of the html coding that was giving me the error each time I viewed this page. It's just that now I'm without a comment feature. Anyhelp from any readers out there would be truly appreciated.

weasle3's Xanga Site We went to see Dinosaurs Alive II yesterday. It was really neat. Especially the T-Rex. My husband went back to gaze at it 3 times. My son Chase was freaked out by it so I took him to dig in the fossil pit they had. He also enjoyed weighing the dinosaur dolls that were in another area. That is something that Chase enjoys lately. Weighing things on my egg scale. This is a scale that grades eggs into medium,large,extralarge and so forth. He also enjoys weighing things on my antique kitchen scale. He will tell me and anyone else that will listen about what weighs more than this,that and the other thing. Cracks me up that something like that can give him such joy. And his joy is contagious. Isn't that too cool??

CNN.com - Dealing with autism -- every day - February 24, 2002 Dealing with autism -- every day

Here is another article that gives insight into the day to day life that presents itself when Autism is part of your family landscape. It shows how things that most people take for granted as far as being able to do something like buy new furniture or things like that with out having to take into consideration how it will cause one of your children to behave.

WebMD - Autistic Brain Structure Is Different Autistic Brain Structure Is Different
Please check out this article, it's really very enlightening. Why? It talks about new information that was not previously available. How the structures of thier brains affects the way neurotransmissions interperet the outside world for these children. I hope someone gets some insight that they need from this. Hugs!!

An Autistic Artist An Autistic Artist--this is a pretty interesting article. It's short but it makes a very valid point that Autistic children are often relegated to the ranks of the mentally retarded which they are anything but. I hope that you check it out and keep it in mind when you see someone that might have a difference about them in the way they communicate or cannot communicate.

The Castaway Quiz deems me:
	Mary Ann You radiate wholesome goodness. This drives men wild. Sure Ginger may get all the attention at first, but in the end, it's you they really want.

Keirsey Temperament Sorter * AdvisorTeam.com Your Keirsey Temperament is: Guardian (SJ)
Whoda thunk it?

Ok,ok, so I guess I should be writing more, but you know, I don't always feel like it. I do come and visit xanga with every intention of making some sort of grand entry and pfffft! Nada, zilch. My creative processes suck, they be in need of a wonder bra of sorts.
It's cold here, 23degrees farenheit(don't ask me to do the metric...I could but I don't really care, lol). Still have to take down the tree. Feeling too lazy, so I'll do that later when I'm not feeling so lazy, obvious progression of events eh?
We brought in another kitten to our home. She had a sister that we had spayed. Her sister wandered up to the road and was killed just after Christmas. We didn't want the same to happen to here so....Lightening is hiding under my futon (or as my son Chase calls it 'crouton') growling at the other cats that come to check her out. She likes me though, I have been her food connection for the past 5 months. She's a pretty little thing, with long matted grey and white hair. Which I can wait to tackle. I'd rather she got settled in before doing that to her.Hmmmmm whatelse is on my mind.....need to do some errands to HomeDepot. I'm putting in a carpet runner on my front staircase and I need those nifty metal bars that hold them in place. My thoughts keep traveling back to some things I've been bitching about but I'll save those for a blog that is not so close to the shiny New Year. Take care today and r

Geez, it's been a while since I blogged on here. I am going to make it one of my New Year's resolutions to keep this blog for my life with my Asperger's son, like when I started. Though I strayed QUITE A BIT this past year.......Like now, lol!!
He had a great Christmas. Truely looked forward to the sequence of events surround the holiday. I do make sure to discuss with him what our family believes is the reason for Christmas.
So neat to see the look on his face when he looked in his stocking! Each passing year his reactions to the noise and disruption of regular routine is less dramatic. But if something is expected to happen, planned to happen, HAS to happen and doesn't, then he is devastated. That breaks my heart to see.

I will take this chance to wish you all New Years that are new and bright. Full of the promise of love, joy, peace and happiness!!!

Happy Birthday Jesus!
I'm saved because you were born!




What will it take for you to have a Merry Christmas?

Take the Corporate Mascot Test at Willaston's Lounge!

BBC News | HEALTH | Autism misdiagnosis 'ruined a life' Autism misdiagnosis 'ruined a life' This is soooo sad. I'm glad that my son has had his diagnosis and isn't just being treated as if he is 'disturbed'

BBC News | A-B | Asperger's syndrome Asperger's syndrome. Yet another link. I hope that someone reads, learns and becomes less judgemental because of someone else's appearing to be cool and aloof.

WebMD/Lycos - Article - Asperger's disorder Asperger's disorder--This is what my son Chase has. Makes him a very interesting little boy! I love him.

Here is a question:
How does one's blog template get corrupted when one does not change it themselves??????????

I think this picture about sums up my feelings on the whole Santa conspiracy, lol!!
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a warm and wonderful New Year!

Me singing I took a nice traditional Hebrew song and ruined it,lol!

I hate my childrens teachers.
I was scolded by Chase because since I don't believe in Santa I don't believe in Christmas. Apparently it's ok to have Santa in school but not Jesus...Geez that ticks me off! Here I am trying to teach my child what I believe the truth about Christmas to be and he's at school with this teacher getting told Santa stands for Christmas, you have to believe!!! Well, no, I don't! And without checking the teacher sends home a list for the kids to fill out because they will be writing letters to Santa!! Hey, Thanks for checking with parents first! Hey, Thanks for adding to the holiday stress that is really not needed...
My other son's teacher sends home a note telling me that if George doesnt do his homework the night before(we have power struggles) that I am to be sure that he does it in the morning. Uh, again, NO. He has to learn that the afternoon/evening is for studying and homework. If it isn't done then, I am not letting him get into the habit of rushing through it while eating breakfast. I am willing to let him lose his recess time in order to learn personal responsiblilty. I guess the idiot teacher could be bothered with supporting that idea. Grrrrrrrrrrrr......

Once again it's time for the best of Weasle3's blog (aka I'm too lazy to think of anything new to write today.

Weasle3's blog Sunday, July 15, 2001
While I was driving the other day to bring my father in law his medicine and give him breakfast I was struck with the thought, " I really dislike the man,why do I do this when I could use this time for something else?" Then I remember a bible verse, can't remember the specific book or verse but it goes something like "when you serve the least of these, you serve Me". Meaning that if you serve the lonely, elderly,hated, 'untouchables' that you are in essence serving Jesus Christ himself. What a cool idea! So then that changes my thought pattern from "why do I have to do all this stuff for him, HE'S NOT MY DAD!!" to "Hey this is totally cool, I'm bringing an egg McMuffin to Jesus, I am really honored to be able to serve my Saviour this way!" And the next time I give the crabby old man at the post office a smile and a "hello" I am saying it to Jesus. Think about it, it's pretty mind blowing when you do!