Thursday, March 22, 2001



"King of Pop" Michael Jackson recently proposed a
"Children's Bill of Rights," claiming he wants to
"recreate the parent-child bond, renew its promise,
and light the way forward for all the beautiful
children who are destined one day to walk this earth."

Uh... sure, Mike. We're with ya, dude.


The Top 12 Provisions in Michael Jackson's
"Children's Bill of Rights"


12> The right to bare arms. And bare legs. And taut, young
buttocks. And...

11> Every child has the right, regardless of race or national
origin, to grow up to be a rich, white eccentric.

10> All kids should be exposed to fine imported and microbrew
beers. Wait -- *which* Michael Jackson are we talking
about here?

9> The right to make a hideous face and have it freeze that way,
through the miracle of plastic surgery.

8> An oxygen sleep chamber in every home, a llama in every yard.

7> No child should be intimidated by predatory adults who try
to force them to do something they don't *want* to do, such
as decline the generous settlement offer and drag the
whole thing out through a long and messy public trial.

6> Children have the right to participate in wholesome activities
such as riding bikes, playing musical instruments, and
collecting skeletal remains.

5> Crying like a pantywaist is mandatory.

4> All newly potty-trained youngsters are granted the honorific
"The King of Plop."

3> Every child must serve a mandatory six months in the Neverland
Tickle-Fight Brigade.

2> Kids have the right. Michael takes the left side.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Provision in
Michael Jackson's "Children's Bill of Rights"...


1> Prosthetics and physical therapy for unfortunate children
who cannot moonwalk.

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